Alvin Seville: My Shit Life So Far
by MR J.H.F
Summary: Alvin's Autobiography: A story of Alvin and his brothers, early and poor days. Teen years and there Parenthood. All from Alvin's Point Of View. Rated M: Contians Strong Language and Adult Themes.
1. Introduction

**Alvin Serville: My S**t Life So Far...**

_Introduction:_

I don't think anyone can have written an autobiography without at some point thinking,Why would anyone want to know this shit?'I've always read them thinking,I don't what to know where Steve Tyler grew up! Just tell me how many groupies he fucked! I just had to assume that anybody who reads this story has an interest in my life story,but I've covered myself by including long passages about all the gropies steve tyler has fucked.

I've been careful not to get too nostalgic it's the most retrograde,reality-denying long before you'll be standing at a bus stop hearing someone moan,'Say what you like about saddam,but thats a country gone to hell without him?

Saddam did at least make the trains run on time it's just that they were DeathTrains to Deathcamps. But Be honest,they were often late but people were too scared to say anything.

There's a fair bit of swearing in this story.I wasn't going to put in any at all but then i thought,'Fuck it,these readers are cunts.'I know there's an argument that swearing should only be used by a writer to underline a point that really demands it,or when strong emotions are in play.I think of this as a particularly American view,resting on the sad viewpoint that not much ever merits strong emotion or whole debate is a bit pointless.

I was in a hotel room recently and a show came on where Frank Skinner was talking about swearing on TV.I switched over and had a half-hearted wank.I'm one of about three people in the country directly affected,and i switched over. I would have happily watched Frank skinner talk about anything else and I had a half-hearted wank over a presenter I know is a lesbian. For which I awarded myself double points.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**  
I grew up in 's A disturbing but strangely loveable place,lurching like any alcoholic from exurberance to unbelievable negativity.I always loved the hilariously downbeat motto,'Here's the bird that Never flew. Here's the tree that Never grew. Here's the bell that never 's the fish that never swam. Its like the city slogan that got knocked back by hiroshima. They might as well have a coat of arms where St Mungo hangs himself from a disused crane.  
We used to live in a place called Pallokshaws. It was an aching cement void,a slap in the face to childhood,and for the family it was a step up.  
Until I was about three we had lived in the Gorbals,a pretty run-down bit that got knocked down as soon as we left.I've still got a few memories of it. Standing out in the back,while a small boy with a grubby face lit let them burn down his fingertips while I stood there thinking,'This is one of those bad boys Mum keeps telling me about.'I remember Mum giving me money in a sweetshop to pay the man behing the counter and just throwing the money at his surprised face. And I have a vivid memory of being with my brothers and finding an old tin sign that advertised ice-creams and lollies,the kind that creaks in the wind. We loved it so much that we kept it outside our front door. When we got back from holiday with Mum that summer,my dad said it had been stolen and we were in tears. We'd been talking all the way home about how much we were looking forward to getting back and seeing our retrospect, Dad obviously fucked it onto a rubbish tip.  
My dad was a has been a building strike starting the day I was born and he'd been planning on joining it. I imagine my mum probably had something to say to him walking out of his job as she gave birth. He did the honourable thing: feigning sciatica and getting three-week sick line. After Theodore was born he was able put his name down for a new Council Tree,move us to somewhere a bit more child friendly. He went for a place a little further down the Gorbals because it was near his work. This is the last recorded instance of him using his own judgement. Mum went screaming across town like an artillery shell,landing in the housing department and refusing to leave until they gave us a suger pine in the shaws.  
One of the first things I did after we moved in was,aged 3, to eat a whole bottle of painkillers that my mum had hidden in a cupboard. I had thought they were her secret supply of sweeties. I was rushed to hospital and had my stomach pumped. There they discovered that I had also scoffed a packet of rusks and these had prevented the painkillers from hitting my stomach and killing me. Saved by my own greed!  
I already showed a general talent for the offensive non sequitur at this age. My parents introduced me to a freind of theirs who was over from Ireland. I'd never met her before but listened to pronouncements on what a big boy I was, before sailing in with,  
'I saw you washing your bum in the bath last night.'  
She was a quite a shy,demure lady so there was a sort of choked silence and then we went our different ways.  
Our tree was part of a tenement:six flats linked by a communal stairway (called a close) with four big back gardens divided by fences but linked by the traffic of stray cats and children. This is where adults dried their washing and dumped their rubbish in a concrete midden. Where we built dens and dug holes and captured small beasties and killed them.  
One major feature of my childhood was how cold the tree was. The only heating was the sun which went down at Six O'Clock so my mum would sit on the floor with her legs running across it lengthways and the kids would all sit at right angles with their legs over hers. I had a constant cold, despite there being enough blankets on my bed that I could have comfortably survived a gunshot. Sometimes the fire would go on in the morning before nursery and I'd heat my clothes up in front of it and roast my legs until there were red swirling patterns all the way to my shorts.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

I got a telescope when i was a bit older. Actually my brother got a telescope that he never used. I'd train it on the windows at the upper storeys and look at flok-there were a couple of buildings that you could see right into. I think I was partly hoping to see women's tits,inspired by a scene in Gregory's Girl,but it was largely just curiosity. There was a couple who'd always dance together,drunk. It sweet and a little bit sordid.

One of my favourites was this woman (although i thought of here as an old woman,she was probadly mid-30s) who'd do really high-powered Eighties aerobics and then put on a coat and go outside onto the balcony and smoke fags for ages,just looking down the street. Once a guy had jumped out of that high flat and hit one of the concrete posts at the bottom where we used to play leapfrog. It never really got cleaned up properly and he became an impressively large stain that lasted for years. Then I wondered if my Dad was thinking about jumping because he walked out on us 2 weeks basterd.

Becoming a teenager I grew disgusted with the area. I'd look up at the flimsy net curtains in the windows as me and simion walked home from the libary every night,wondering why we didn't jump.

The high rise nearest us had a bunch of shops set into the basement. The main one was an Asian newsagent that constantly changed hands as shopkeepers weighed up the cost of cleaning graffiti against the profit margin on a chocolate tool. When I was little there was a Sixties-style soda bar which had somehow survived into a comletely different era. It was run by two old ladies with big beehive hairdos and they sold ice-cream floats and milkshakes,very,very slowly. It closed when one of them died.

Speaking of death, I will always remember that load knock on the door that morning. I Opened the door and It was a police officer who said to me "are you vinny's kid?" then i replied "ummm yeah" (yes i was still had my whit back then) "we need to talk". he said. Without a answer he inveted himself in. Simion and Theodore walked towards the living room with caution. Then the police officer continued to speak "last night at roughly 11:00 pm, your mother past away in her sleep. "No,no that can't be right...i was speaking to her just yesterday and she...was fine...just.. fine" My eyes were filling up with tears. Then the Police officer grunted "Her liver went. I'm very sorry for your loss". And just like that mine,Simons and Theodore's lives were now truly Fucked.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

_Pretty much every celebrity nowadays seems to be a satirical morality tale. When Peter Andre left Jordan she was said to be devastated. Now she's left with only two massive tits. Peter escaped to Cyprus; it says something when you escape the arguments and fighting by going to an island with UN peacekeepers. But he will of course be entitled to half of Jordan's assests, so at least he gets a spacehopper out of it. And Kerry Katona announced on Facebook that she is selling off one of her breast implants on eBay in a bid to raise money for charity. One of them? What is she doing with the other one? Letting it look after the kids? I'm surprised kerry is on Facebook, although I suppose it's one way she can keep in touch with her children._

_It's easy to lose your sense of perspective in show business. I totally understand why people end up doing things they really shouldn't. Apart from anything else, people keep offering them money. Nadya Suleman, the mother who gave birth to octuplets earlier this year, was offered £700,000 to appear in a porn film. Fair enough-she's had more people inside her than most porn stars. Whoever the male star is, I hope he has GPS or he might not find his way out again. You can't really describe it as trowing a sausage up an alley; it'll be more like flicking a grain of rice into outer space. After having eight babies, is a penis really going to do it for her? I think she'll need a football team in scuba gear armed with ostrich feathers and power tools._

Anyway back to the story, Where was I? oh yes that's right my father had left me and my mother died 3 months later. Lucky me!

It was a monday afternoon we had just got back from the Funural, and my thoughts were "this can't be happning" and "where are gonna live?" We were all basically mourning over our Mothers death. I left the keys on the mantelpiece just like my mother always instructed us to do. And then some more thoughts crossed my mind like "Its all your fault your Mum has died and your Dad has left you. If you weren't such a little shit they would have cared about you and non of this would of ever happened. I started to fill up agian... Then suddenly we heard a loud screeching nosie, It was worse than Cheryl Cole's singing voice. Then we felt a violent shake In our home, like the foundations had been destroyed. As soon as we landed in the truck it was already moving.

Then Everything went black...

**Do you know what happened?**

**Do you know what will happen next?**


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

_Four years later..._

All of us (Chipmunks and Chipettes) were sitting on the stairs in the House and got the idea we should form a gang. The girls wanted to call it 'The Mickey Mouse Club'. We wanted to call it 'The bloodsucking slugs'. Actually, that was my idea. We made Theodore cry at the horror of being a Bloodsucking Slug. That day finished with Brittany tying me to a washing pole and saying she was going to kiss me. I struggled with the washing line tied round me but I really wanted her to kiss me. Somehow I got free anyway and ran off, hopping disappointedly back to my bedroom.

Me and my brothers joined the Scouts, which we loved. I think we'd exaggerated the subs to our folks so we could buy Slush Puppies on the way home. Dave never caught on, even though we'd always come back with bright blue or Purple mouths and crippling headaches. The Scouts was run by a lovely lady who lived round the corner from us. I don't think she knew a single thing about the Scouts or the Cubs; she just started it up in the chuch hall to give us something to do. There were none of the awkward formal greetings and knot tying of the prober Scouts. If you wanted a badge you just told her and she'd set you a totally arbitrary task. I got my sports badge for running round the hall. There was a great fancy-dress competition every Halloween. Once I went as the Hulk-painted from head to foot in watercolours that dried on me in such a way that I seemed to be walking around in a huge scab. Theodore, quite brilliantly, painted an enormous cardboard box and went as an Oxo cube. He made Dave walk us to the hall as he had a real paranoia that a passing lunatic might set fire to him.

The Scout leader's brother would come to meetings a lot to help help out; he was maybe in his twenties. The last 20 minutes of most meetings involved him tying an enormous running shoe to a big bit of rope and making us jump as he swung it round faster and faster. Who knows what was going on in this guy's life that he'd turn up every week to blast little boys into the side of a public building with an enormous shoe, I was encouraged to stage a high-jump competition at some railings near our house, hurting my balls quite badly.

Our outfit or unit or whatever (not having been in the proper Scouts, who knows what the term is). There's always been something to suspect about Scoutmasters to me. Middle-aged men taking young boys into the woods to practise tying knots is clearly not good. If you're going to get felt up in a tent by the Scoutmaster then the very least you should get is a badge that you can use to cover the hole in the back of your shorts.

The Scouts sent an observer to one of our meetings. I missed it but apparently he stood around slack-jawed watching boys get pelted into stacks of chairs with a big training shoe. We were all made to attend a real Scouts meet on the other part of town. The Scouts had to line up and do a little salute at the start! Their leader called out a boy to give a mad little speech about the history of Scouting. He had an enormous gum boil, easily half the size of his face, and spoke in a wet mumble like the Elephant Man Jr. The meetings must have been bad because our Scouts got shut down and there was fuck all to do again.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Thinking back crime makes perfect sense in those nothing-to-do places. A teenager came up to us once on a moped he'd stolen and said he'd give us rides on the back of it. I was too scared but some of the kids got on for a backie. I still have this vivid picture of him shooting off across the waste ground at the end. He might have been the last truly free individual I ever met and is no doubt dead.

High school was Shite. On the first day I was looking around thinking, 'There's no catch... this is genuinely a big, warm room full of girls. 'now, Little Alvie would have hated it if he knew that one day I was going to gloss over his secondry education, which he absolutely loved. On the other hand, life stories can be so long and I've got a lot of stories about drug abuse to get to. Let's just say that Little Alvie pulled the paddling pool off its stand about once a mouth, Soaking himself and having to go home in a pair of huge borrowed shorts. (I cummed myself)

There was at School thing called 'The Black Babies'.It was a hugely misguided charitable effort they used to drop on us in High schools. you sponsored an African baby and, I think, sometimes got to name them. At least, thats, what I'm told by my Afican friends Wolf Tone and Murdo McCloud. Anyway, there was always some daft kid who misunderstood and thought that they'd actually get the baby for it.

The Summer We left school, me and brittany got a job as a libary assistant, Our first opportunity to really bond with homosexual men and women going through the menopause. I was really unbelievably terrible about it. The problem is this: all "Real" jobs seem to involve receiving a certain amount of oblique sniping or critcism thats you are supposed to put up with. I Simply can't be fucked, not even a little bit.

_**Mr J.H.F**_

_**hello readers i will putting this story on hold, Because I think it will be better if I came back to the story later on. After I've written a few other stories. The thing is I have got ideas for horror and drama stories but I can't think of anything to continue this story at the moment. If you have any ideas them please review this chapter or PM me. I will credit you and your ideas and deadication. If not, I ask you to be Patient. **__**Thank you.**_


	7. Chapter 6

_**Chapter 6**_

I will always remember the 11th of August back in 2012, because it was the day of my first job interview. Yeah I know I already have a job that pays well and one that i enjoy, but because Dave is a right tight arse with money and says that it is "Life experience" for me it is Bull-shit experience. Anyway so there I was freezing in a room full of people I didn't know at it looked like they were gonna jump me at any minute. We were then invited into a small office were this middle aged woman was sat at the end of the table. Because I was one of the last people who entered the room I had no option but to sit next to the store manager. As soon as I sat down the woman said that I volunteered to speak first. 'Great' I thought, I can get this over with. She asked me the simple questions like who are you and how old are you? I sat there wondering to myself. Okay that's 2 questions done maybe these job interviews aren't so hard'. Then she asked me the question that changed all of my so-far good progress. So which Mcdonalds have you applyied to? I slowly replyied with "Umm...Mottram.." She replyied almost with anger "No you Can't mottram aren't hiring." **How could I relpy to that?!** I just sat there thinking 'SHIT' 'FUCK' Hell even the word 'Cunt' came into my head and I never even said that word in my entire life!. To stop the awkwardness the woman suggested that I mistaken it for Rochdale. I then agreed with her, but then she knew I was lying.

I didn't get the job in the end I wonder why?...


	8. Chapter 7

_**Chapter 7**_

It's ridiculous to think that the Doctor could have made the leap into our reality or started to fuck with us. I split up with my girlfriend that week. As she told me she was leaving, the show started on the TV over her shoulder. She dropped the news as I was watching the doctor slash my throat from end to end.

I was In quite a weird place after the break-up and had a few one night stands, something I'd not really done before. I got off with the oldest women I've ever slept with. Older women are underrated. The sex is great and they'll often tidy the room afterwards.

And you will never miss _Emmerdale. _Actually, this lady was maybe only 42, but it seemed pretty old at the time. It was great actually; we both got high and went at it with that abandon you have when there's nothing to lose. I'm not proud of this, but I couldn't manage to cum, and to try to get myself to cum I focussed on a picture of her on her bedside table where she was much younger. It felt like I was trying to push my cock back through time. In the photo she was standing on a pier on holiday holding a big fish she'd caught. Still, it worked.

We had both taken a big ecstasy tablet I'd never seen before. It was enormous and looked sort of like one of those old Refreshers sweeties. Anyway, if you ever see one, take it; we were high and shagging for about two days. It was nuts; her gynaecologist will have thought that she'd been hit by a car.

Eventually, we ordered a pizza and watched a movie. It was _A Perfect Storm,_ that George Clooney tuna movie. It says a lot about a movie that even high on ecstasy, eating pizza beside a beautiful woman I was going to fuck before and afterwards, it was still shit. I hope they use that sentence as a quote on the DVD box.

It sort of ended badly because she had this shelf of books under the TV. It contained every commercial book that you'd seen people reading on a train for the previous few years, from _Captain Corelli's Mandolin_ to _Fifty Shades Of Grey._ I thought it was an Ironic statement. It transpired that this was her actual library and our utter incompatibility was suddenly obvious.

Still, it was fun. Two days may actually be the perfect length for a relationship.

To be honest I can't even remember her name. I think it began with a C... not sure though.

That was the only period of my life where I shagged around, and I learned quite a lot. For Instance, role-play is great. There's nothing makes sex better with a chick than spending a couple of years pretending to be her long-lost brother. I also learned not to date women you meet through your friends. You don't want to find out what your friends lives are like.


	9. Chapter 8

_**Chapter 8**_

Eventually, I managed to get a good friend of mine pregnant. (guess who)

We were both pretty pleased about it and ended up with a beautiful daughter. I had always wanted a girl. I found out that it was a girl when we had the scan the day before the birth. I was walking home through the park and, after having a good look around to check nobody was there, skipped across the bridge.

It's going to be Interesting being a full-time dad in a few years, and finding out just how boring my kids find me. There's so much information and distractions these days that kids get bored easily. In my day is someone found a porn mag it would circulate around the school for weeks. By the time you got a loan of it, it would be like trying to look at something encased in amber.

I think being a parent is the ultimate responsibility. People used to label Amy Winehouse as self-destructive, but I blame her parents. Especially her mum. She's the one that must have fucked a horse. Angelina Jolie is often described as the most beautiful woman in the world. Yet after so many kids she must have a vag like a rubbish chute. Susan Boyle's vagina on Angelina's body, now that's what I'm talking about.

I hated Being at the birth, having always found hospitals creepy. Luckily Brittany had to have quite a lot of drugs so I nipped out for a couple of hours in the middle and watched a football match without her realising.

Childbirth is many things, but it is not sexy.

For one thing, there's the stretchmarks. Your Wife's beautiful, alabaster stomach will end up looking like a school desk in a remedial class.

I think nowadays I'd be worried about the whole MRSA thing. A man who committed suicide was found in a locked hospital toilet where he had lain for three days. A source at the hospital said, 'It makes you wonder what the cleaners were doing'. Have you seen the state of the toilets in hospital? He probably was the cleaner. Any cleaner that found him would just have stuck a Pine Fresh toilet block in his mouth and a toilet roll on his dick.


	10. Chapter 9

_**MR J.H.F:**_

**_Yeah I Know its a small chapter!_**

**_Chapter 9_**

For a long time I always stayed in the stayed in the same hotel in London. The Russians who worked there all got to know me and started to anticipate my idiotic needs. It was a bit like being the Major in _Fawlty Towers. _It was always good looking into the glassy eyes of the sinister Russian duty manager knowing that a man who may well have killed to get his passport was in charge of finding me an ironing board.

One night it sounded like a bunch of staff came into the room next to mine and gangbanged a Russian woman against the adjoining door. There were a lot of nods and winks the next day. That's when you know you've become overfamiliar in a hotel. When the staff are staging group-sex pranks to keep you awake. I acted mildly irritated, but I had obviously found it all pretty horny, and had a tempestuous wank that comfortably makes my all-time Top Ten.

I don't understand London's racism toward Eastern Europeans. I don't have a problem with a polish plumber coming round to do work on my house. They're cheap, arrive on time and it's a lot easier to understand what they're saying than a Britsh workman. I had a Polish worker round at my house last week, and I was more than happy with the service... they knew exactly what they were doing, they were thorough, cleaned up afterwards, and she didn't have that dead look behind her eyes that you normally get from britsh prostitutes.


	11. Chapter 10

_**Chapter 10**_

Not many people hate trains as much as I do, It's not so much the train journey, it's the experience you come across before it. You know what I'm talking about. The dreaded Ticket Office. I remember getting a trian one summer and having one of the worst coustemer services I have ever experienced. No joke this is what happend.

**Attendant:** Next.

**Me:** Can I have a ticket to Salisbury, please?

**Attendant:** Ah yes, it's lovely at this time of year... No, hang on, that's last month I was thinking of. And I wasn't thinking of Salisbury, I was thinking of the Dominican Republic. Smoking or non-smoking?

**Me:** Non-smoking, please.

**Attendant:** Oh, they're all smoking.

**Me:**Well, why did you say smoking or non-smoking then?

**Attendant:** We pride ourselves on always offering a choice.

**Me:** Right, well can I get a ticket please?

**Attendant:** Single or Return?

**Me**: How much more is the return?

**Attendant:** It's not more - It's less.

**Me:** Really?

**Attendant:** Yes,

**Me:** Well, I'm not planning on returning, but if it's cheaper ...

**Attendant:** Oh no. You have to return.

**Me:** Why?

**Attendant:** Because when you get to Salisbury the doors don't open. It just comes straight back.

**Me:** The doors don't open?

**Attendant:** Not at stations, no. They're open for the rest of the journey. They have to be. Everybody's smoking. It would become unbearable.

**Me:** Is there any benefit in getting this train at all?

**Attendant:** There is a trolley service.

**Me:** If I get a single then? will I be able to get at Salisbury?

**Attendant:** Oh yes. Not the station itself obviously, but if you time your jump right you could land pretty near to the station.

**Me:** So none of your trains actually stop at Salisbury station?

**Attendant:** No. They used to. But we had a lot of problems with people getting on and off.

**Me:** Look, is there any way I can get a Salisbury safely? Is there a bus service?

**Attendant:** Sir, this is a TRAIN station. Would you go into a baker's and ask for a handful of meat? Would you leave a note on your doorstep saying 'Dear Mr Travel Agent, two first-class flights to Orlando'?

**Me:** Please can I just buy a train ticket to Salisbury!?

**Attendant:** I'm sorry, we close at half-past two.

**Me:** Well, what have you been doing for the past ten minutes.

**Attendant:** Humouring you.

**Me:** No you haven't.

**Attendant:** Sorry, my mistake. I've been humouring myself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to write a letter to my MP asking for three pints of seme-skimmed milk and a yoghurt.

Obviously all trains have given me some glimpses of Lovecraftian horror. Like the time I saw a businessman trying to chat a woman up by telling her about a free-kick he'd scored at five-a-side that lunchtime.  
'Bang. Right in the top corner, darling.'  
Or the drunken bams who met at my table on a train to Manchester and expicitly and loudly agreed to shag each other when they got off the train.  
'Life's too short,' the woman drawled at me. It will be for you, you AIDS-chasing scumbag.

_**Mr JHF:**_ _**Trying to get at least one chapter a day done from now-on. Let's see how long it lasts. haha.**_


	12. Chapter 12

_**Chapter 11**_

Having done concerts for a number of years, I always try to stay out of it as much as possible. Like a lot of locals, I find it a bit of a pain in the arse. Yes it's good that you can go to see some great shows but having your city look like the evacuation of saigon is a pretty high price to pay for that. One week, I played a couple of late-night shows at the Staples Center. There were break dancers on before me. The predominantly Southen crowd were pretty amazed, but then it was definitely the first time they had seen more than one black person in a room.

I have to say that during the festival the late shows generally start to bite. These are the gigs you do to try to plug your show, or make a bit of spending money. I usually have a Red Bull before every show but it always catches up with me. I always looked to the final week of the festival when I struggle to speak because my throat contains my own poisoned pancreas.

Not learning is clearly quite a big part of my personality. I've always hated doing festivals, so I went to Ireland for the Kikenny Festival. I made the mistake of flying, despite being utterly terrified. I've never managed to overcome my fear- generally there's nowhere I want to visit so much I'm willing to be fired towards it in a tin box full of other people's farts.

The security now is as frightening as the flight. You're not allowed to bring fluids on a plane in case you make an improvised bomb from Coca-Cola and iPod parts. Who's training Al-Qaida these days, Johnny Ball? If you really want to bring a plane down, get a normal bottle of sunny Delight and shake it. Of course, airport security is even tighter if you look vaguely Middle Eastern. If you've got a turban and a beard, you're about six months away from having to flying to fly naked on clear plastic plane.

I can't begin to explain the different levels of increasingly wild paranoia that flying brings out in me. You think you're scared of flying? Frightened of turbulence maybe? I panic every second of the ascent as I fear that the plane might contain an altitude triggered bomb - something that may not even exist, for all I know. I always fear our own goverment agencies more than 'terrorists'. You're looking for possible Muslim extremists on your flight? I'm looking for guys who look like they used to be in the army but now have cancer. I spent the whole of the flight to Ireland eyeballing a little bald man who had quite a futuristic pen that I felt might double up as some kind of detonator. He was reading the Bible, which didn't help. People say they find prayer reassuring, but if the pilot came on the intercom and told you to put your seatbelts back on, would you be happy to hear him tailing off into a few verses of the 'Our farther'? Still, not quite as frightening as him bursting into something from the Koran.

_**Mr JHF: I can imagine alot of people being really pissed off with this chapter because of the amount of terrorist jokes, Look I don't mean any offenice by it.**_

_**I can't beleive I'm on chapter 12 already! sorry I have not updated much this week but I have had a friend over from the other side of the country and it would be a bit rude if I got my laptop out and told him to shut up while I was typing. Update's may be a bit less reguler because I'm starting college on Wednesday. But I get 4 days of during the week so There should be at least one or two updates a week. Peace out!**_


	13. Chapter 13

_**Mr J.H.F: Before I start this chapter I just want to say that I'm not feeling to well today. I just feel really bad today (cold,sickness, The Works) Here is some advice NEVER eat a full packet of M&M's with 2 cans of Dr Pepper, Crips and then have a large Mc Donalds meal with a mcflurry all in under the space of one hour. Anyway hope you enjoy this chapter. We are about 2/3 of the way though now.**_

_**Chapter 12**_  
Being in a relationship for nearly 10 years now, I have had my fair share of disappointing sexual Experiences, I mean I have the worst sex talk than any other person alive, and the most embarrsing shags ever!. Here are just are a few things I have said and did while having sex.

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. **Brittany:** This is your first time... right?** Me**: Yeah... today.

12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Brittany: Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. **Brittany:** But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. **Brittany:** Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people.

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he dumped you..

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession..

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. **Brittany:** Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic - don't you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Me: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Brittany: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

93. **Brittany:** So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

mean you're NOT my blind date?

**Hope you are enjoying the story so far. Well it ain't really a story coz it has no plot. But you no what I mean. Please review!**


	14. Chapter 14

_**Chapter 13**_

_Many years later..._

My cousin Toby recently got back from serving in the army, (Toby! Can you belive it?!)

That almost being the joke itself, Toby had a few funny stories when he got back. At the time they felt funnier than they actully were because at first we had to get through him talking about all the death's and loads of depressing shit before we got to the funny stuff.

Anyway I will always remember the story he told us about the man and his camel. I have actully gotten him to write the story down so I can tell you guys.

here we go...

_The Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour,_  
_"What's the camel for?"._

_The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."_

_The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."_

_After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters._

_The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"_

_The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use the camel to ride into town to find the women._

_**Mr J.H.F: I know these chapter are getting shorter by the week, but lets face it , I'm just Lazy.**_


	15. Chapter 15

_**Yo Bitches! Only joking, But aren't you lucky getting 2 chapters in one day?**_

_**Chapter 14**_

I was really such a pervert when I was in college but this thought me a lesson.

When the girls was in the locker room. I crept inside a locker and peeped at their boobs. I did not know I was there. Little did I know that I was inside somebody's lockers. She opened the locker and screamed after she saw me. A girl bully then decided to teach me a lesson for that. She pushed me out of the locker and held my head down. She gave me a wedgie and that's the point I knew something big was going to happen.

I started to beg her for mercy but she just laughed at me. She pulled my trousers down and saw me wearing briefs. They was a whole lot of girls laughed loudly and that's when it happens. She beat me up and hold me down with her foot. She then striped me naked and made me do a hundred push up. I did it. She spanked me then and let me off.

Well it was just another day. It was the beginning of the school year and it was very hot in the afternoon when we had football practice. Well i had chosen to eat the hot wings for lunch. about half way through the practice i started feeling sick to my stomach. Finally practice was over. When we were all showering i decided that if i farted it would help make me feel better. And since its a bunch of guys farting isnt a big deal, but what i thought was a fart wasnt. When i tried to fart i accidently squeezed out some poop. so in other words I had pooped in the showers at our school. And the whole football team had seen it which is about 45 people counting the freshman and junior varsity. And in a matter of one day the whole shool new about it. I wanted to move away and die.

_**Mr J.H.F: It's funny Coz it's True!**_


	16. Chapter 16

_**Chapter 15**_

So there I was in this club desperately trying to pull and she walks in. A goddess! What the hell she saw in me I don't know! Any way one thing led to the next and she was asking me back to her place. Problem was I really needed to take a dump but asking her to wait while I went to the bogs didn't seem the right thing to do at the time. So... I sucked it up and we jumped in a taxi back to hers.

20 mins later, we're getting off with each other in her flat and I just can't hold it any more so I ask her if I can borrow her toilet for a second. She says fine but tells me that she wants to take a shower first so why don't I wait for her in the bedroom! You see my predicament! There I am with this sex kitten but I need a shite!

Well, I couldn't stop her from taking a shower so trying not to shake too much I head into her room. I turn down the lights to make it nice and moody and sit there on the bed imagining the joys that were sure to follow. By this time however, I really need to go so. I'm dying and am trying to think of what I can do! Then it hits me! The greatest idea since HP sauce! I take off a sock, pull down my jeans and kegs and proceed to do the business in the sock.

Unbelievably, I don't spill a drop and by tying it up, I can use the top to wipe my arse too. After finishing up, the only problem I have to deal with is disposing with the dirty sock. I look around the room but am unable to find suitable places for the offending garment to be hidden. Then I spy the window.

Looking out I see that after a small back yard, there is a wall and beyond that a park. So I'm thinking to myself that if I make it over the wall I'm safe. No problem. I start swinging the sock around my head. Once! Twice! and then i let FLY! The sock sails over the wall and well into the park. I feel as if I've scored the winning goal in the World Cup!

Feeling relieved and horny, I sit on the bed, take the rest of my gear off and wait for the angel to exit the shower. I hear her finish and she enters the room! She looks hot in the towel and as she lowers it to the ground and turns on the light, her face turns from one of lust to one of horror! and I see WHY!

Splattered on all 4 walls is shit which must have leaked out through the sock while I was spinning it round my head!

When I was 16-years old I went to a waterpark with some of my friends. the string on my trunks had broken so my trunks were loose, i didnt think much about it at the time...

Well, one of my friends dared me to go down backwards so of course i did like an idiot. But, as im about to go down my friends grab my trunks and push me down naked. let me tell you, going down a large, winding, freezing cold waterslide at high speeds is not fun. absolutely freezing water was slamming into my crotch the whole way and of course i was emptied out into a freezing cold pool. lets just say that my package was about one-hundredth its normal size, it physically hurt!

So, of course i have to run naked to the locker room in a crowded waterpark were i hid in the locker room until my "friends" came in. However, they wouldnt give up the swim suit until i did one thing for them...Unfortunately that was to walk into the girls locker room. i had no other choice but to do it. of course i was greeted with laughter and numerous comments about my shrunken state.

Finally my friends gave me my trunks and we headed home. it was the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.


	17. Chapter 17

_**MR:J.H.F: Hi, just wanted to say that the story gets a bit darker from here on out. I think every Comedy needs a bit of Drama to keep it alive otherwise it's just stupid. Anyway since It's a tochy subject even I won't joke about it. Anyway Enjoy! and make sure to Review!**_

_Monday, 12th June, 2029_

At 10am I saw a surgeon called Mark Jones in Wythenshawe's seedy Private Patients Unit who checked me over and told me I had a malignant tumour. "Is that cancer?" I asked, naively. I had already been told the previous Wednesday that I had a 9cm long tumour in my oesophagus, but I had clung to the belief that it was certainly benign. I had avidly read what I could on my condition and the warning signal of difficulty swallowing had been with me for a while, but I hadn't thought anything of it. Now I found that I had a disease normally associated with old men - and me not even 40 yet. This is what I found on CompuServe:

"Almost all patients with cancer of the oesophagus will die of their disease, and it is reasonable for most patients to choose only therapy which will improve symptoms and quality of life. Unfortunately, even such palliative approaches may involve rather extensive therapies.

"Prognosis in all methods of treatment yield 5 year survivals of around 5%. Whether extensive treatment methods are justified given the present state of the art in the hopes of a longshot increase in survival (with altered quality of life) is a choice many patients will reject."

I have subsequently discovered that this is a rather bleak analysis, but I did not know that then. I was dazed when I left Wythenshawe Hospital. I went to the office, gave the news to the Personnel Director and to my most senior staff member, my Computer Manager, and phoned my boss, arranging to come in on Wednesday to see him. Then I left, ostensibly to take a fly-drive holiday in California with Brittany. At my almost empty ex-home in Sharston I phoned up Brittany with the news. I can't believe it, she said.

I seemed to be disembodied, like I was inhabiting someone else's body and experiencing this nightmare at second hand. I was virtually chain-smoking and everything seemed to be rushing by. I got a call advising me of my admission date for an operation, and went back to my new home in Chorlton to meet up with Brittany.

We decided to cancel the holiday, partly because it didn't seem we could enjoy it the way we would have wanted to, partly to actually enjoy my new home, and partly to be able to drive up and visit step mum and dad in L A. Brittany and I held each other and cried at the shock of the misfortune that had been visited on us.

_**Please don't be afraid to Tell me your thoughts on This Chapter or the rest of the story. P.m me if you have any questions. Thanks for reading!**_


	18. Chapter 18

_**The Final Chapter is nearly finshed! and I will trown in a authors note at the end. Enjoy!**_

_Tuesday 27th_

I enjoyed a light breakfast and lunch at home with only minor discomfort. Nothing to drink, no cigarettes, no painkillers. All my crutches gone.

Simon, Theo and Brittany took me to the York Suite at the Alexandra Hospital. Initially I found the attitude of the nurses unsympathetic even if the facilities seemed comparable to a good hotel. My records say that I "settled on to the suite well" and I certainly had no real fears about the op - the sooner it is over the sooner I will be better.

Mark Jones, the surgeon who will cut me up, visits me. He seems quite remote, although he cheers up when he thinks he catches a glimpse of Henley on TV. He tells me that it will not be certain if the condition is operable until he has opened me up, and confirms that he would not have been operating if I had secondary cancer. I've got myself fit and feel mentally strong, but I feel un-nerved whenever this guy tells me anything. Gnawing at the back of my mind were his comments that it was a shame that I hadn't been diagnosed six months earlier. What difference would it have made?

Simon, Theo and Britt visit again and we say goodbye and, pointedly, say see you in a couple of days.  
Wednesday 28th

I thought that my last days of life would be ones where I would feel like I did when I left school, celebrating each occasion as the last time I would see so-and-so or do such-and-such. I don't feel so maudlin, and just get on with things. Death is so mundane, half a million Brits do it every year.

I meet the anaesthetist, start my fast, take my pre-med, mentally prepare myself and get wheeled into an ante-chamber of the theatre. Let's hope it goes ahead, I think.

_Third Person:_ **At 9:15 am on Thursday 29th Alvin Seville passed away in his sleep...**  
**He was with his close freinds and family.**

_**Mr J.H.F: Now alvin is dead, how will brittany react ? and how will she look after the kids when she is Distrought. READ ON. and please, please, please review.. Thanks.**_


	19. Chapter 19

_**The Final Chapter**_

_Brittany's Point of view:_

It was a thursday, and it was a bright summers morning. I could hear the birds chirping ever so sweetly, the trees were gently swaying back and forward as if the earth and air were connected. As I looked out of our front window I saw a valley of sub-urben house's they were all stacked up beside and behind each other just like a game of Jenga.

I got up early this moring for a reason, the same reson for why I didn't sleep last night, the same reson for why I am alone. It was the day after the operation.

I remember it as some kind of bizzare dream that I have not yet managed to wake up from. It's like a little image in the back of my mind that has been imprisoned for life. I was there that morning hoping to see my husband again. But I was only to hear the sympathetic words from doctors and nures when they revield the bad news.

Hearing that your lover's dead is like being stabbed in the heart with a thousand knifes, the emotion strain is unbearable.

I know it sounds a little stange but I'm gonna to tell It, when i got back I picked up Alvin jacket just to smell it, it felt like he was there with me. However when I felt the coat I found a small pocket diary, it must have slipped out the bottom pocket. It was entitled "My Shit Life So Far" Alvin was always a one for grapping people's attention. It had felt so long since we were together but reading all of the funny stories felt like he was right there with me...

And then It stuck me. We could be together again it all made sense, if I could be that close with him by just reading his diary, I wonder how close I could be with him In heaven...

I know it is incredabley selfish to end your life when you have loved ones, but to be onest I can't see any other way out..

Simion and jeanette I am leaving you In charge with our children AJ and Lucy because we both know that you will be twice the parents that I would have ever been. and if they ever feel upset or lonley or just need someone to talk to just tell them that mummy and daddy have never left, and that there still here in heaven looking down on them with god on our shoulders. and love in our hearts...

_Love From Brittany XX_


	20. Authors Note

_**Authors Note**_

**Hello this is James Fletcher here (A.K.A MR J.H.F) and I just wanted to write a little authors note and they end of this story just to thank a few people and to tell you how I got the insperasion for this story and aswell mention other random things that I have been up to lately.**

**First off, I would like to thank the reviews that I have been getting for this story, feedback means alot as a dare I say it? "writer" **  
**So I giving a big shout out to "alvinandbrittany4ever" for following my story and kept giving me feedback even though I didn't even metion about Alvin and brittany's kids until the very end, and for that I am sorry =)**

**And a big shout out to "BigT-Seville" who reviewed often and even put me down as one of his fav authers ( aww, I feel touched... but not in that creepy way) and I would also like to thank him for all the support he has given me for the past few weeks, the same goes to "alvinandbrittany4ever"**

**secondly,**

**where did I get my insperation, I hear you ask? (nobody gives a shit but I'm gonna mention it anyway)**  
**well the first thing that made me wanna write this story was watching "This Is England" I mean, I have watched the film before. but this was the first time where I thought. Hey this would make good story for a AATC fanfic. But I wasn't just going to copy This is england because what would be the point of that?**  
**So what I did was mix that setting with some of my own life experencies, It started out as a drama series but then somehow turned into a comadey, so the rest of the chapters were real life experices or were just things I imagened. Try and guess which is which !**

**Finally,**

**In about a week or two, I will start writing my crime story, so this is your last chance to send in some OC's. (OC's mean other charraters)**

**Thanks For Reading**

_**Mr J.H.F**_


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